Cannabis culture has come a long way in a very short period of time. And while some may lament the “head shop” or “heady” aesthetic and association with cannabis giving way to a more stylish and refined image.
Sure, the new cannabis aesthetic looks like it would be more at home at GOOP or Anthropologie than it does your local, trusted head shop that you’ve been going to since you were in high school. The upside is that this new aesthetic has helped legitimize cannabis — helping it appear more mainstream rather than something that only belongs in the “counterculture.”
Understandably, losing that sense of counterculture might even be a point of pain. It was something you felt defined your personality or spoke to you in a unique tone. At least, at the time.
That’s understandable. But like cannabis, you’ve also (hopefully) changed since you were a teenager.
It’s time to lose all those tacky, “heady” cannabis accessories. Whether they’re appropriating Rasta culture, trying to position you as a hip-hop edge lord, or are just plain juvenile, they need to go.
1. Anything with a “stoner” cartoon on it
I guess these kinds of cartoons were edgy and cool in the ‘70s? But honestly, putting cartoons on your accessories makes you look like your mom still takes you clothes shopping. Do you really need a cartoon on your bong or storage jar to let the world know, “Dude, I’m like, into weed”? We get it, weed can make you giggle and laugh. Being “stoned” is funny. You don’t need a cartoon weed leaf with a goofy smile to remind everyone.
2. Pre-rolled cone papers
These seem like the kind of thing that your high school drug kingpin would carry around in his oversized, cartoon-festooned hoodie that he wears every day. Sure, you would never tell him to his face that his hoodie makes him look like a giant toddler, or that nobody thinks it’s cool when he plays “Run The Jewels” in his Honda Civic with the bass cranked so loud it sounds like it’s going to shake the car apart. Because he’d probably kick your ass. And stop selling to you. Also, his parents are like, never around. Cut him some slack.
3. Colourful metallic grinders
Strangely, most grinders still have this look. It feels like a holdover from that “heady” culture that we just haven’t collectively let go of yet. These look like a fishing lure. Or a bad bmx bike. Either way, owning one makes you look like a teenager.
4. Your “heady” glass pipe
“Whoa, dude! So trippy, it’s like I’m smoking out of the dragon!” Yeah, uh, cool. Look, I assume you don’t take Flintstone vitamins or have Spider-Man on your shoes or need to make a cartoon-ish game out of everything you do because you are a grown adult. Not everything needs to be some kind of novelty.
5. The “wizard” pipe
You know, the long, extended wooden pipes that make you look like Gandalf? These seem like the kind of items that are purchased by the same dude who won’t shut up about how insightful Infinite Jest is. He busts out one of these pipes at house parties just to let everyone know that he’s always the Dungeon Master. Also his take on the new Star Wars trilogy is much more insightful than whatever yours is.
6. Your “heady” over-the-top bong
“Hey, I’m looking to light $400 on fire. Can you help me?”
“Sure can! How about this artisanal glass-blown bong made to look like an exact replica of Cheech Marin’s face?”
“Hm, not quite heady enough.”
“Gotcha, we’ll paint Cheech Marin’s face to look like a sugar skull.”
“Using Rasta colours?”
“Obviously using Rasta colours.”
“And the bowl itself, can that be in the shape of a weed leaf?”
“Of course! How else will people know that’s what you’re into?”
7. The “zong”
Remember in high school, when you would press your nose up against the glass display case and fantasize, One day, I’ll have enough money to buy a zong… Yeah, let’s maybe keep that fantasy in the same category as thinking you might marry your science lab partner and all the first tattoo ideas you had. Are we really that easily amused by the idea of smoke zig-zagging up to your mouth?
8. Anything with a brand parody
Oh, I get it! It says, “Taste the Chronic” instead of “Taste the Rainbow.” Oh man, that is Oscar Wilde-levels of clever. Whoever came up with this is one hilarious individual who I would definitely like to get to know better.
9. The novelty gas mask bong
For some, smoking out of a bong just isn’t an intense or edgy enough experience. They need to inhale smoke directly through a World War Two style gas mask. Because it’s so metal, bro.
Could you imagine finding this in the closet of someone you just started dating? It would be the second red flag after seeing how many tweets they had demanding that someone “release the Snyder cut.” Let’s just go ahead and say anything with gas masks or skulls or zombies or other “death metal” imagery is a strict no-go zone.
10. The volcano vaporizer
There was a time that these were kind of cool, and really the only way to do the whole “vape” thing. Now though, they look pretty classless. Walking around with a giant bag full of weed vapor is like walking around with “Big Gulp” mug or a beer-drinking hat. We’re in an age where there are much more elegant vaping solutions and you don’t need to prove your macho-ness to a crowd by showing us you can inhale an entire plastic shopping bag worth of vapour.